When we lose the things we love, often the last thing on our minds is seeing the gift yet there is always a gift. The greatest gift of my accident was new eyes and an insight into my inner world I never had before. A difficult question I had to ask was: who was I being when this happened to me?
The answers were difficult to hear, even in my own mind.
Able to see the real from the fake.
I believe the body has a way of mirroring our thoughts and emotions. At a time when I was completely cut of from myself and the direction I was going in, a freak accident left me unable to walk, with my left ankle nearly completely lost, all tendons severed and no feeling at all I completely freaked out.
I mourned the previous versions of me the athlete, the 200m Yorkshire Champion, the Hiker, the Dancer, the … and this was the hardest bit. The runnerawayer. I had spent so much time in different cities and countries it never occurred to me that I was running from something but this was the truth that was burning in my body. I had to stop and face whatever I was running from as physically, it looked as though there would be no more running.
I believe the soul whispers and when you listen it whispers louder, and becomes your intuition.
I had the task of healing deep emotional wounds, codependency. On the day of my accident, I was giving my power away massively. I was not speaking my truth. Broken and broke. That’s another reflection, lentils and bread I made last for months, unable to ask anyone for help while disentangling myself from codependent relationships, restoring my energy and the miracle blessings that is my left foot as it taught me so much.
I started talking to imaginary pathways to my toes I couldn’t feel. It was as if time didn’t exist. I had a knowing that this was my work. I was my work and this was something that would be shared when I had worked it.
The thoughts gradually tingled into a scar bound movement.
I believe if you are broken, your purpose is to mend. You also meet some amazing people who you are supposed to, like the lady I stayed with in Lille whole at university in France who taught me I am my own doctor and showed me how to massage my foot and the acupuncturist who saw the trauma of the accident in my eyes and encouraged me to cry and release. My intuition developed so intensely that I became fixated on following it and when I stopped listening it pulled me back.
Then I discovered flamenco, while teaching in Spain, still unable to feel my left foot but what ignites your soul ignites your body. I was able to express the emotions through my body.
It was the best teacher, to strengthen, release and overcome with all its intensity and grace.
It is a healing movement for me, a deep connection with all that is- a celebration of life, unity and storytelling. I would never imagine that now I would be dancing and performing regularly as it seems like a different life. The body I had has completely released, transformed, transmuted. I not only found movement and strength but a way to love my broken parts and express this with my body.